Feb 2002

Cleaning out drawers - 01/29/02

I found two folders of my old writings today. One was of my longer poems, and I can say without false humility that they are terrible. No really, I mean it. They suck out loud. My shorter poems were much better, but still not very good.

The other folder was full of pieces from a series I called TALES FROM THE DINER. They are much better. They need a pile of rewrites, but there is a lot of good stuff there. I'm going to scan them in, I have hard-copy only, and rewrite them. I'll be posting them on the website in serial form as I rewrite them. I actually have about half a books worth of this stuff. It will also work better for prose readings, than most of what I'm writing now.
 

Watching TV - 01/30/02

I'm supposed to writing right now, but Roy Orbison is on PBS. It's a great show. Tom Waits on keyboards. K.D. Lang and Bonnie Raitt as backup singers. Wonderful stuff. I'll write later.
 

Proof-reading session - 2/11/02

I've been writing a lot lately, but when I read it back I don't like it. My stories are getting longer, but they aren't as interesting as my shorter stuff. As an exercise I wrote up two short pieces. Actually both of them are standup routines that tell stories. I printed them out and printed out the first chapter of a longer piece. I read the short ones, then the longer one. It popped out at me. The longer one had no interesting details. Everything, the character, the location, the action, was lacking any specifics. The little things that make life, and reading interesting. So it's back to rewrite for that one.
 

Then I had my wife read the short ones. She is my proof-reader/sanity checker. For the first story she had a few suggestions, but liked it. The second one she did not like. It had many problems that I won't go into, but the major flaw is interesting. I provided no information on the narrator. This relates to my lack of detail in longer stories. So much of my writing over the past few years was intended to be spoken by me on stage. That situation defines the narrator. But without the stage, and me in person saying the words, the narrator is never defined. So I'm working on this.
 

And that is another problem I have transitioning from standup to fiction. I have been ending my paragraphs with punchlines. I've got to watch that one as well.
 

Literary Reading - 2/13/02

I had what I call a phone failure. It's actually what they call social anxiety disorder. I don't have it bad enough to need medication. I got to the bookstore of the reading, and I froze. The fear overwhelmed me. I left. What I've realized though; there are ways of reducing my anxiety. The next time I need to go to the location before the event. That will increase my comfort. The people will still scare me, but if I know the place, I'll be able to find my comfort zone. That alleviates a symptom, but does not fix the problem.
 

This problem is caused by three factors. First: Self esteem. I need to feel better about myself. Months of unemployment have taken their toll. I've not had anything published in a while, though I have several good possibilities. Second: I am a judgmental person. It's a defense mechanism. Because of this, I feel that I am being judged. I didn't say it was an effective defense mechanism. If I reduce how much I judge people, maybe I will reduce how much they judge me. That's not as easy as it sounds. Third: Being out of work, my contact with people is greatly reduced. This just means I have to get out of the house more often.
 

Sea biscuit - 2/13/02

After my failure at the reading, I decided to get out and be with a safe crowd. I just went to watch, but wound up doing a set. I did OK. It was a good crowd. I was overly conscious of trying to make eye contact, but I connected with a few audience members. I did some Valentine's day material. It went well. I closed with some gay porn website material. That always gets a laugh.
 

Mock Cafe - 2/16/02

GREAT CROWD! I did not so great however. Got some good laughs for my old material, but the new stuff was stiff. The problem was, I didn't do a set because I had something to say. I did a set because I wanted the attention. It's also hard for me to jump from my stories to my standup routines. Earlier today I was working on a story about a priest questioning his faith, contrasted with the alcoholism of a parishioner. Then I get up at the mock and try to do jokes about olympic curling. A tough transition.
 

Being depressed - 2/21/02

Doom, Destruction, Death! Just one of those days. Last few days everything has built up and it got to be too much. I shut my brain down for a day to give it a rest. Sitting in a dark room listening to Dave Brubeck on blue vinyl. Taking pictures of my dogs sleeping on the couch. The usual therapy moments. After coming out of the funk, I sat down and made a list of everything that was bother. (Anal-retentive therapy.) Some of it is serious. Some of it seems silly when put on paper. Here is the list. You decide which is silly and which is serious.
 

• New Laptop: I just bought a new laptop. It's in the mail as we speak. The problem is; I have been writing increasingly good stuff on my current laptop. I'm worried that I won't be able to write on the new one. As Mr. Burroughs pointed out, there is a strong relationship between a writer and his writing instrument. Unfortunately my current instrument is deteriorating. The keyboard sticks more and more. The innards come loose on a regular basis. The screen is small and dark. My aging eyes get tired after only a few hours of writing. So any day now the new machine will arrive. Maybe the new machine will take me to new places. Only time and typing will tell.
   
  
• Geek Abandonment: For many years I thought I was going to be a computer geek for the rest of my life. I thought that was a good thing. Then I noticed that my career was not advancing as expected. I realized that I wasn't really working at having a career. For a while I thought it was because I wanted to be a comedian. (Continued next item.)
   
  
• Comedy Abandonment: Not really abandonment. More like a refocusing. So the truth reveals itself to me. I do not want to be a standup comedian. At least not in the traditional manor. I'm already a better writer than I could ever be as a comedian, and I still have lots of room to grow as a writer. I'm sure that standup will always be part of my life, but I'm not sure right now what that role will be. Which brings me to...
   
  
• Defining Myself: Who am I anyway? As I go through this transition I am redefining myself. This is difficult because I tend to try to please others before I try to please myself. I'm trying to live up to what I perceive to be expectations set by other people, without defining my own expectations. I need to define my own goals and expectations first.
   
  
• Relationship with Characters: I keep writing stories with characters that I don't like. The characters, not the stories. Not that I don't think they're well written or developed or whatever. I don't like them as people. I would not be friends with these people. The part that bothers me is that I see much of myself in them. They are me. Or at least based on part of me. They are exaggerations of my personal flaws, weaknesses and evils. It's difficult to see a character, based on myself, kill another character. But to prevent this character from killing, would be lying to the page. This level of ugly honesty is hard for me.
   
  
• Fear of Being Alone: This is the toughest. Many loved ones are ill. I'm drifting away from others. No control.

 
But I'm feeling much better today.
 

 

BTW Wrestling - 2/22/02

I had a blast. I'll be adding a full report in the wrestling section shortly.
 

 

Mock Cafe - 2/23/02

Fun Night. I got to host. My set went pretty good. I had some new material about the wrestling show I saw last night. Some worked well. Some didn't. The new boxing material got a huge laugh. As far as hosting. I was a bit sloppy from the whole, keep-the-show-rolling perspective. Some high spots, some low spots. One woman doing what was supposedly her first standup routine, rocked the house. I love seeing new people with talent and/or drive. Also got to see some of my favorite comedians getting even funnier. Also have to mention the great crowd. They laughed.
 

FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY - 2/24/02

My parents and one of my sisters are in financial difficulty. This has caused some of my other siblings to go apeshit. I'm not going to go into details, but if I disappear for a few days or weeks, don't worry. I'm just dealing with the family.
 

A bad day / A good day - 2/27/02

My wife is Ill today. Food either comes right back up or goes right through her. Because of this she can't take any of her medications. Her pain is off the scale. My brain is twisted to the breaking point.

I sat out side in the sunshine for a while. I just sat quietly, thinking. Thinking about my wife inside suffering. Thinking about what to do about my sister. Thinking about what to do about the direction of my writing.

I decided all I could do to help my wife was to hold her hand. Sometimes that is all you can do. I decided not to fight with my sister about my parents. I am going to tell her to get therapy to control her anger and obsessive need to control everybody's lives. I've decided to abandon some stories I've been obsessively rewriting. I have come to the conclusion that they aren't worth the effort. I posted those stories under the writing section.
 

Writing Session - 2/28/02

I rewrote the opening to a story that has been waiting in the wings. I've fleshed out the characters and locations of the story. Putting those other stories aside has worked.

Sent my sister email. Waiting for a response.

My wife is feeling much better today, though food is still iffy.